TV Detectives

Ok, so you may have noticed that TV these days seems to be awash with detective and police dramas. I personally think it’s to keep old people out of trouble because:

a) they have nothing better to do and it reminds them that turning to crime is not a good option
b) they love all things police-y – there’s nothing better than a good who-dunnit apparently! Even if it’s one they’ve seen before!

I have seen all of these as my gran really likes to watch them. I consider myself an expert, as I think I must have seen them all!

I have my theories on these programmes. Obviously, people like Morse and Lewis, and Tom Barnaby and his trusty Troy (oh how I miss Troy!) are exempt, being police officers, it’s obviously their job to hunt and track down vicious killers. But, it’s the people like Poirot and Miss Marple, and especially Tommy and Tuppence (also Agatha Christie) who make me particularly suspicious.

I mean how suspicious is it that they just happen to be there, or turn up very quickly after a murder takes place? Wouldn’t it make you thing “Hmm, where did they come from?” And, why is a little old busybody making it her business to solve this crime when the police are perfectly capable of doing it for themselves?

Because she wants to throw them off the scent – that’s why! Obviously, she is the guilty one. This goes for Poirot and Tommy & Tuppence as well. They are present at or after every murder – therefore, they are the common factors.

I know why Poirot does it – he is torn up with jealousy over the rampant (although never actually seen on screen) affair between Captain Hastings and Miss Lemon. Next time it’s on, you watch it – there is definitely chemistry sizzling between these two and, I think, a tacit understanding that there is more than meets the eye. Poirot is consumed with jealousy, and goes on a killing rampage across the country, making sure he becomes good friends with the hapless Inspector Japp, who never suspects for one moment that his good chum Poirot is actually framing all these good people of England for crimes that they didn’t commit, but that he did! Poor Japp! Captain Hastings and Miss Lemon don’t even notice as they are so wrapped up in each other. And the “leetle grey cells”? They are just working overtime, planning is next vicious murder.
Jessica Fletcher is another matter entirely. She sneakily commits murder, frames someone so the police can close the case, and then writes a story about, thereby cunningly disguising the fact that she was the perpetrator all along! And who is going to argue with a renowned murder mystery author? That would be like saying Agatha Christie was the murderer all along. Oh, hang on...nah, that's blasphemy!

The police shows, on the other hand, do tend to show the police in a bit more of a favourable light. They are not the bumbling idiots who have to rely on outside help to solve their crimes. Oh no – they are super efficient and never leave crimes unsolved. Have you ever seen a Midsomer murder where Tom Barnaby (who obviously has amnesia and seems to have forgotten he’s Jim Bergerac and actually comes from Jersey) doesn’t solve the crime.

“Three people (it’s always three) are dead, and I don’t know who did it. Oh well, never mind, can’t be arsed now, off to see Cully’s (a liability if ever I saw one) new play.”

No, the police are fabulous. Wouldn’t you like to walk around in those spiffy outfits they get in The Bill – a sure turn on for any man or woman! Although, they don’t make as much use of their truncheons as I’d like!

Now, onto Taggart – this is a bit grim and depressing, but only fit to watch for the ability to giggle uncontrollably every time there’s a new “murrrrrderrrrrrr”!

Morse and Lewis barely get a mention, because they’re such smarty pants they always get it right, and within the space of only a couple of hours too!

So, as I said, I have seen them all, and consider myself an expert on the genre, without actually having to like them!

Having said all that, I watched Charlie Brooker's A Touch Of Cloth last week and enjoyed every minute of it. The show was wall to wall gags with tongue firmly in cheek every step of the way! It was done as though it was a serious crime drama, ripping the piss out of all the others that have come before. I urge you to watch it if you get a chance - it's on Sky Anytime at the moment. Give it a go - but make sure that you watch everything going on in the background - even down to the posters on the walls and signs in the hospital. Brilliant - Charlie Brooker may well be my new hero!